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Stream of Consciousness/General Conversation Thread

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  • capt.joe

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    I am convinced that there really is a conspiracy to make us own nothing, eat bugs, and like it. My mortgage is going up $1,108 a month. Insurance almost tripled. I have never filed a claim in my life. I wrote an email to alex andrade. Probably wont do any good. During a 40 min phone call to my ins agent, she actually said we all need to storm the capital in Tallahassee. Its that bad fellas.
     

    fl57caveman

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    I am convinced that there really is a conspiracy to make us own nothing, eat bugs, and like it. My mortgage is going up $1,108 a month. Insurance almost tripled. I have never filed a claim in my life. I wrote an email to alex andrade. Probably wont do any good. During a 40 min phone call to my ins agent, she actually said we all need to storm the capital in Tallahassee. Its that bad fellas.
    are you near the water? or the river?
     

    Fathertime

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    are you near the water? or the river?
    It makes me wonder if this is why so many massive apartment complex’s are being built. People are having to walk away from their American Dream because they cannot afford the insurance and the mortgage. I have noticed this not only in Pensacola but Milton and all over Baldwin county.
     

    IronBeard

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    I got to hear my first garage door torsion spring break yesterday. I went full on defense because it sounded like a gunshot! Realized what happened when i tried to open the door this morning.
    I know a guy that lost a finger tip to one of those faster than he could understand what happened.
     

    capt.joe

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    Yeah im not touching it. My bicep isnt 100% yet. My deckhand told me he watched a guy trying to unload the tension on one with 2 pipe wrenches. One wrench slipped and the other one slammed down on his hand. Splattered it like a stepped on frog. Ive got precision doors coming tomorrow morning.
     

    fl57caveman

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    THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.
    1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
    2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
    3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
    4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
    5. Onced and Twiced are words.
    6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
    7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
    8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
    9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
    10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
    11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
    12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
    13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
    14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
    15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
    16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
    17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
    18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
    19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
    20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
    21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
    22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
    23. You know what a hissy fit is..
    24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
    25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
    26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your southern friends and those who just wish they were from the south.
    AND one more:
    27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
     

    fl57caveman

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    Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
    I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
    The directions said that:
    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:
    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
    · My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
    · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    · I had no control over the drooling.
    · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
     
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